Is Your Past Holding You Down?

Posted on by Terry Arzt

We have all been there. We experience something difficult in our lives that we just can’t let go of or put behind us. It could be a job loss, the end of a significant relationship or a financial setback. We have all experienced something that we can’t come to peace with.

These are called unresolved matters and this will hold you down is ways you don’t ever expect.

This experience can haunt you and you may think about it much of the time.  It could be an event from your childhood that you are carrying with you to this day, or it could be something later in life that disturbs you and upsets you deeply.

We keep it alive

When you talk about your unresolved matters with others, you think you are speaking the truth of what happened. You feel that you are explaining the facts, going over the series of events that occurred and validating your hurt feelings.

But what you are really doing is keeping the experience and the pain alive.

I am not talking about taking some time that you need to mourn a recent loss. We all need time to gain perspective and to begin the healing process. I am talking about an issue, a painful event, or a loss from your past that you just can’t let go of.

You have a choice. You don’t have to give it any more energy – ever. You don’t have to think about it.

How unresolved matters effect you in the present

The effect that these issues have on you in the present is profound.  They dominate your thoughts and zap your energy.

Your thought patterns are negative, so you attract more negativity into your life

You are not able to create something new in the future because you are dwelling on this event from your past.

Like attracts like. Your thoughts are like magnets and by thinking these thoughts you will pull more of the same experiences into your life. Your thoughts create your life, they are energy. The more you think about something, the more you will pull similar experiences into your life. Have you ever noticed someone who always seems to attract the same type of person or the same type of boss into their life?

If you don’t resolve the issue, it will limit the possibility for your future and it will hold you back.

The Good News

• The experience is behind you as it is in your past. It really is. It’s over. It’s done. Good or bad, no matter whose fault it was or how it happened – it is over. Finito.

• You have a choice. You are free to choose your thoughts. You are free to choose different ones. You don’t have to dwell on the negativity. You can choose positive thoughts.

 What clearing unresolved issues will do for you

The Better News

• You feel free of the past – you can breathe again

• Be at peace with yourself – no explanations needed

• Now able to set new goals – you can create the future – you can see the future

• You probably will learn something from it

• A weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will be released

• The day you choose to do this you will feel happy – almost giddy

• You will no longer have an emotional investment in the matter

• It is over – you can stop trying – you have permission to stop thinking about it

• You will be released

Some suggestions on how to put them behind you

• Reframe the experience in your mind so that you can see it in a positive light.

• Forgive others and forgive yourself.

• Just let it go – really let it go.

• Stop judging

• Watch your thought process. Let it go any way you can

• Develop strong compassion for yourself – you did the best that you could for as long as you could and now it is over

• Walk away. That’s it just walk away. If it is something that you can’t completely walk away from physically, then walk away emotionally. Just disengage. You don’t have to play if you don’t want to.

And something else will take its place sooner than you know

Conclusion

The day you let go of something that no longer serves you is the day that you have a fresh start for yourself. You are free to declare at any given moment that you are starting anew.

 

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In a funk? You are not alone.

Posted on by Terry Arzt

I just got off the phone with a friend who is going through a very difficult time in her personal life. Her job was making her miserable, she hated it – and financially – well she didn’t think things could get much worse. She felt as if her life was completely off track. She thought that she has made a series of mistakes and made some bad choices in the last few years. She also believed that she was the victim of awful circumstances that were beyond her control.

She said that she had hit rock bottom and wanted to find a way back again.

I was inspired to write today about devastating setbacks.

So…

If you feel that you life has gone off in the wrong direction and you are feeling down right now, read on.

Believe me, you are not alone. I would like to share some of my thoughts and favorite quotes with you.

There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. — Denis Waitley

We always have a choice. When the problems and obstacles that you face become overwhelming to the point that you can’t find a way out or that you don’t have the energy to find a way out – you have a choice. You can choose to give up and to give in and accept your circumstances or you can choose to get stronger and find solutions.

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.” — Louis L ‘Amour, American Author

You can choose to give up on your hopes and dreams or you can choose to make those dreams even more wonderful and powerful so that you are inspired by them again. Creating your future is a very powerful incentive – no matter how you are feeling right now.

You can choose to feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to feel your own power.

You can look for who is to blame, or you can look for ways to take full responsibility for the situation.

“Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.” — Napoleon Hill, Personal Success Author

Difficult times affect us all, but I believe that it is during the challenging times that you build a new capacity for greater prosperity and greater depth. So, instead of being overwhelmed by the problems, choose to be inspired by the possibilities hidden within them.

AND

“Never, never, never, never ever give up!” – Winston Churchill

Feel the genuine power that comes from knowing you always have a choice. Feel the confidence that your future is always there for you to create.

 

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How to Interview for a Job

Posted on by Terry Arzt

Many years ago when I graduated from college I began the arduous task of finding a job. The economy was slow and a lot of recent college graduates were having a difficult time finding employment. I sent out many resumes and a long time passed before I got my job interview.

The job was a position in the accounting department in a small manufacturing firm. It was an entry level position and I was excited for the opportunity. I remember first interviewing with human resources and then going to the accounting department for 2 more interviews with the CFO and Controller. The interviews just flowed and I was offered the job the next day for the salary I wanted. It was very exciting to me.

A couple of years later, I decided to take some graduate courses at the local university and get a better, more challenging job. Again, I updated my resume and mailed it out to every major company in the area. Remarkably, I received a phone call right away that there was an opening at one of these firms.

I showed up for the interview and again it flowed. The position was in the accounting department again and the job was exactly what I was looking for. Again, I was offered the job the next day.

Based on these 2 experiences, in my youthful naiveté, I convinced myself that day that if I could get the interview (which I admit was a big if) – I would get the job. I obviously had great job interviewing skills. Oddly enough, this was exactly my experience for most of my adult life. If I was granted the interview, I got the job – most of the time.

I don’t know if this assumption based on fact, or that these 2 experiences were just lucky timing. But no one could convince me that this wasn’t true.

I look back on this experience and have learned about belief systems and how our thoughts influence our outcomes. However, I would like to share with you what I have learned about job interviews and offer you some tips and advice that I hope that you will find helpful.

The ability to conduct a successful job interview may be the most important skill you need to develop in any job search. Not everyone is pre-wired with the ability to interview well, but there are some secrets that I have learned along the way that I think will help you.

I have broken down my suggestions into 3 categories. I hope you will benefit from this article.

1 – Your attitude – the presentation that you make during the interview

2 – The mechanics on how to conduct the interview

3 – General advice for those who are uncomfortable about the process

Your attitude

Walk in to the interview with the feeling of presumption and that they are going to hire you. Really believe that you are the best candidate and that hiring you is a forgone conclusion. You have to have a real sense of your own worth. You have to feel deep in your heart all of your strengths. You have to know how you are going to be a valuable asset to their organization. You can’t fake this. You have to know it and feel it.

If you are having a hard time with this I suggest you make a list of your most positive attributes. For example, are you highly analytical? Do you have great organizational skills? Do you work well under stress? Are you very creative and can find solutions to problems quickly. Are you able to streamline processes easily? Think of all of the ways your strengths will be of benefit to the organization you are interviewing with.

They may be interviewing you, but it is not about you. It is about them. Never forget this. They have an opening, and issues and maybe some organizational problems. They may be experiencing some financial challenges. All they want to know is can you help and how. They want to know your background and what you can do to help them and why.

Line your thoughts and energy up with the interview and see yourself in the job. You need to feel happy to be there. You need to be happy with the people that you are meeting with. Feel the presence of the office and step into it and own it.

Be prepared for the typical questions. They often ask, “Tell me a little about yourself”. Have this story prepared. Don’t waffle. Don’t decide on the spot what you will share with them. Tell them your story and make it an interesting story. Share your enthusiasm for your profession and tell them why you went into that particular field. Share with them some story from childhood perhaps that inspired you to specialize in this field.

One question that always comes up is, “what is your greatest strength” and “what is your greatest weakness”. Have honest answers to these questions, but frame them in the best possible light. For example, don’t come across so self involved when you talk about your greatest strength, but definitely let them know of your skills. Your greatest weakness should be a weakness that can also be strength in disguise. For example, “I am very hard on myself when a project is taking longer than I thought it would”.

They are interviewing many people for this position, so stand out, be alive and be

How to conduct the interview

Do your homework and be prepared. Learn whatever you can about the company and the industry. Shake hands firmly, look them in the eye and look professional.

Practice with someone. Have a friend or family member interview you until you feel comfortable with the process.

Here is the secret sauce. Listen carefully. Remember that the purpose of the interview is for the potential employer figure out if you are the person who will fill a need that they have. Listen to what these needs are and tell them exactly how you can help. Give very specific examples of what you have done in the past that qualifies you to help on each and every issue. Use active words.

Listen very carefully and ask more questions about the job itself, the staff, problems that they have had in the past, what their challenges are, what their agenda is for the next year and where they want to go as a company. Be prepared to tell them how you can help. Hold onto the whole process with a bulldog grip. This is your interview.

Don’t be tentative with any of your answers. That will not instill confidence in any potential employer.

Remember that in most cases you control the interview. I know that this sounds counterintuitive but let me tell you, it is true. Believe it or not, they will do most of the talking. You will be asking very specific questions about the position and responding with precise answers of how and why you are qualified.

Confine your questions to you specialty and know that your questions and answers will sell them on you.

That is it. Take it point by point. Stay engaged. Stay enthusiastic.

Don’t apologize for anything on your resume or in your life. You are there to have a conversation. If you need to explain something on your resume, such a long gap between jobs. Explain it.

And ask for the job. I know that this seems obvious, but people don’t do this. Say that you feel that it is a good match and explain why. When you ask for the position express your enthusiasm for the job.

Nothing kills an interview outcome that more than losing your concentration or enthusiasm.

I can’t tell you how important energy is to an interview. They want to see a spark in your eye, the quickness in your step and your zest for life. They want to see your intelligence and your ability to communicate.

General Advice

Don’t obsess over a disadvantage that you may have on your resume when you have so many advantages. This could be your age, whether you feel that you are too young or too old or been out of work for too long.

Don’t ever talk ill of your past employer or past positions. It doesn’t go over well in this setting and will ultimately be a bad reflection on you.

Take every interview you can. Even the interviews that you feel are a bad match and that you have no interest in. The more you practice you get the better off you are.

It is very easy to feel beaten down by the system. You may have had many interviews and still no job and the prospects are looking bleak. A downtrodden beaten down feeling can overcome you and you can end up bringing it to the interview.

Watch out for this one – keep yourself going in every way that you can – keep that list of your greatest attributes in front of you at all times. Practice with someone before the interview. Practice in front of the mirror. Remember how great you really are and how talented you are and how much you have to contribute. Get yourself into this frame of mind and take that feeling into the interview any way you can.

Write a thank you note after the interview. You should thank them for the opportunity to meet with you and reiterate your enthusiasm for the job.

Conclusion:

This process of honing your interview skills is difficult, but here is something that I learned a long time ago – when you perfect these skills – your life will change.

Believe that no matter what is going on with the economy that there are still jobs and that you are qualified.

During these difficult economic times remember your real worth and what you will bring to any employer. If you are having a hard time please don’t ever forget that your circumstances are not you. They are just a temporary setback. Don’t ever lose sight of what you want for yourself and for your career

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Lessons from Rockwell

Posted on by Terry Arzt

This is a painting called “High Dive” done by Norman Rockwell in the year 1947. I saw this painting at a special exhibit at the Smithsonian American Art Museum last fall. This exhibit consisted of Rockwell oil paintings and drawings borrowed from the collections of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas.

Spielberg and Lucas are great collectors of Rockwell’s work. They said that Rockwell’s paintings tell a story, there is a cast, a plot and action in all of his work, the same elements that are in their work as movie makers.

Rockwell captured those universal truths about all of us that illustrate who we are as humans.

Rockwell doesn’t preach to you or challenge you to become something greater than you already are, he doesn’t motivate you to stretch yourself or to improve yourself. Rather he reflects back to you something that you already know.

When you look at a Rockwell you are stepping into another’s experience and you are doing so right in the middle of something. You can see the characters and the motion and you can certainly identify with what is going on.

However, of all of the works in the entire exhibit, this is the painting that caught my attention. No, more than that, it captivated me. It is a painting of a boy at the top of a high dive, looking fearful, apprehensive and frightened. He was too scared to move forward and too frightened to retreat.

We have all had many High Dive moments in our lives. This is what is so wonderful about Norman Rockwell, he captures those moments, those emotions that we can all identify with.

This is what I would like to write about today.

When I first saw this painting I thought they should name it, “The Moment of Decision” rather than “High Dive” because it depicted that moment that we have all been through. That moment that we decided to do something new, take on a challenge that we never did before or to stretch ourselves in ways that we never had before.

It depicted that moment of decision to go for it or not.

This painting spoke to me so much that we bought it. No not the original. Steven Spielberg owns that, and even if he wanted to sell it I don’t think I could afford it. We bought a copy, I framed it and it now hangs in my office where I could see it every day. I understand that Steven Spielberg has the original hanging in his office. Somehow, that makes me very happy. Don’t ask me why.

However, I soon realized that this painting does not depict the moment of decision because the boy already decided. He is already at the edge of the high dive. He already climbed up there. He walked to the end of the plank and he is looking down.

The decision was made – what was missing was ACTION.

So let me share with you some of my thoughts about taking action.

Taking action, moving forward at any moment of time takes a little bit of faith in ourselves and a great deal of courage. Sometimes it just takes us a moment to move forward. Sometimes it takes many years to move forward. Sometimes we wait our entire lifetime and we never move forward; we just stay there at the edge of the board and never even attempt what could be.

I also concluded that deciding is the hard part. Once the decision is made, the hard part is over with. Deciding to do something takes a great deal of thought and consideration. Deciding to try something new takes enthusiasm and curiosity.

Yet the boy looks like he can’t move and he is hanging onto the board for dear life.

He can slide off the end of the diving board, he can stand up and jump feet first or he can do a dive off the end of the board.

How he does it is up to him, but he needs to act.

What is missing is action.

So why don’t we take action?

Why we don’t act and what it does to us

• Frightened – we are fearful of the unknown.

• Overwhelmed – it is more of a challenge than we originally thought.

• Failure – we think we won’t do it right.

• Second guess our decision – tell ourselves it wasn’t the right decision after all.

What taking action does for us:

• It makes our next attempt easier.

• It teaches us more about ourselves.

• It teaches us about our situation. We learn something. We know what to do and what not to do the next time.

• Action is the best teacher.

• It gives us confidence. When we stretch ourselves we have more confidence.

• It widens our belief boundaries as to what is possible.

• It makes life more fun.

How to take action:

Here is an exercise that has helped me over the years and I hope that it will help you. Take about 5 – 10 minutes, sit down and close your eyes take some deep breaths.

Before you take any action, get very clear what you want to do. Know what the end results look like. Make it as real as possible in your mind. See it. Feel it. Imagine it.

If you are about to look for a new job, make every detail of the ideal job real. What does it look like? Where is it? Who are you working for and with? What does your office look like? How good do you feel at the end of the day having this job?

Get your thoughts straight first. If you can’t make it real in your mind then imagine, fantasize. This is an emotional journey, not an intellectual one.

Don’t hold 2 opposing thoughts at the same time. For example, you can’t think about the ideal new job and at the same time you think that the unemployment rate is high and it will be difficult to find this job. Be single minded.

Feel the elation. Let your energy pull you forward. Start to organize the steps necessary to reach your goal. In the case of finding a new job – perhaps updating your resume.

Get started. Begin. Start with a first step. You are pulling yourself forward and not pushing yourself through the process.

In your heart if you still don’t feel like you are ready to move forward – move anyway. Do something toward your goal. Anything. Make small incremental changes.

Keep doing this exercise until you are in full action. The secret is to know that you need to make this as real as possible in your mind and to feel the end results as much as possible with your emotions.

So start moving.

Conclusion

So what about you? What action should you be taking right now that you have been putting off? How long have you be just hanging on for dear life at the end of the diving board?

Don’t put it off another day – another moment. Embrace the life that you know you want to live.

Don’t worry. Jump in the water’s fine.

 

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The Fringe Benefits of Aging

Posted on by Terry Arzt

 

Let’s face it we are all getting older. We can’t change that. What we can change is our attitude about it.

I have been thinking about the fringe benefits of aging.

I then came across this quote by Agatha Christie.

“I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.”

No matter how we got here, we can all look back on our lives and see periods that were fulfilling and happy, but there were others times that were very difficult and challenging. That is true for all of us.

What bothers me is this notion that as we age we look back and think that somehow our best years are behind us.

There is this belief that our lives have somehow reached their peak and we are on the decline as we get older. If you listen to the news, we can expect a loss in every aspect of our lives, mentally and physically. We expect poorer health, less mental acuity, less drive and less energy.

Sigh!

We shouldn’t think this way. It will hurt us for two reasons.

First of all – it will give us terrible expectations for our lives as we age and we won’t take on the challenges and live with the zest that we once did.

And

Second – it isn’t true.

I think that women of a certain age share this in common: We have aquired wisdom. We have all had life changing experiences. We have survived and learned from all of our life’s choices – good and bad. We have gained insight and depth from every experience that has been a part of our lives. We have learned to accept our past. Because of this we become more and more ourselves.

And – I believe this to be true:

We are about to enter the most fulfilling part of our lives.

We have learned from our experiences and gained wisdom from our past. We are no longer the same people who we were when we were young.

We are better off now because we were there. We have greater intensity and greater capacity because we have lived.

As we get older we no longer invite the drama into our lives the way we used to. Our emotional attachment to things that used to upset us, no longer bother us. There is a great deal of freedom in letting go.

The best is yet to be

Our future is there – like it or not. We are all older, wiser and more complicated and more capable than ever to create something.

We are more capable because we know more.

We are more capable – because we know what we can do.

The best is yet to be. It is a beautiful life. Live it to the fullest. Create something new. Be very brave. Be very bold and enjoy your life.

So why do we worry about aging? No reason

“I love my past. I love my present. I’m not ashamed of what I’ve had and I’m not sad because I no longer have it.”

Colette

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It’s Your Health – Your Life

Posted on by Terry Arzt

I had an experience that profoundly changed the way I looked at health, wellbeing and illness.

I delivered our second daughter when I was 28. From the time she was born to the time she was one year old, I was sick. Constantly sick. I had one cold or flu after another. I went from one sickness to a few days of recovery to weeks of another sickness. I couldn’t seem to get better. I would go to doctors and they would tell me that I was sick because of the stress of raising a family – or maybe lack of sleep – or maybe I was depressed.

I knew none of this was true (except for the lack of sleep). I had 2 small children who would wake up during the night – so of course I had lack of sleep.

The doctor concluded that I was so run down that whenever some cold or flu was going around, I had no resistance to it and I would catch it. He said that I was susceptible to infections.

Really? WOW!!

And then he sent me on my way.

It was a terrible way to live. I was too young to feel like this.

Then one day I was referred to a nutritionist who lived nearby. A friend of my family told me that she was helped by this woman and recommended that I give her a try. Her name – Ann Louise Gittleman. I consulted with her long before she became a bestselling author and consultant. She lived in West Hartford, CT and I met with her in her home. She asked me questions that the doctor never even thought about asking me like,” What are you eating”? How much water are you drinking? Are you exercising?”

My diet and lifestyle were not as healthy as they should have been. In fact my diet was as bad as it could be. I had 2 small children. My energy was low and my diet consisted of eating what was quick – and easy. It was the Standard American Diet. Too much sugar, too much processed foods and too much protein. I was not drinking enough water.

And exercise…….what are you kidding?

After asking me lots of questions, she had me do 2 things:

  1. Change my diet dramatically.
  2. Go on a 10 day herbal cleanse. She said that I was toxic and needed to clean everything out and get rid of the inflammation. She gave me some herbs, put me on a cleansing diet and told me to call her in a few days.

I didn’t know if she was right or wrong, but I was going to give it a try. I was so desperate that I didn’t ask what ingredients were in the herbal capsules that she prescribed for me. I just followed her instructions.

Something happens when you change everything drastically. You feel the change immediately.

I started to feel better within a few days. I called her and I said that I was feeling better already. The most profound difference in my overall wellbeing was that I felt clear.

My mind was clear. It was as if I had been in the dark and somebody just turned on the lights.

I stayed with the regime and did not get sick again for many many years. To this day it is rare that I ever get sick.

I will never forget Ann Louise Gittleman and the way she turned my life around.

There are no words to describe how deeply disappointed I was with the doctors whose care I was under at this time. They did not try to find the cause of the illnesses. It was as if the cause of my constant state of bad health was beyond their medical training.

Here is what I learned from this experience:

1. Always (and I mean always) get to the root cause of any illness. If you are dealing with an illness and are not getting better with the treatments that your doctor recommends, or if you are just treating the symptoms of your illness, take control of your heath. Get to the root cause of the illness and treat that. Don’t just treat the chronic illness of colds and flu. Find out why you are constantly sick.

2. Take responsibility for your health. It is your life, your body, your health and whatever happens is your responsibility. Don’t just listen to what the doctor tells you. Doctors will treat you the very best that they can with the current knowledge that they have. That is all they can do. It doesn’t mean that they can bring you back to good health. If you are sick and not getting better, investigate alternative treatments. You will be happy you did.

This experience has affected my life deeply. It altered the way I related to the medical profession and as a result allowed me to live a much healthier life, not dependent on doctors or medicine for most of my adult life.

I have not taken a prescription drug (with just one exception about 10 years ago) since I was in my 20’s.

So protect and nurture your health and well being. You will be glad that you did. I came across the following quotes that I would like to share with you:

“In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired”. ~Author Unknown

“To wish to be well is a part of becoming well”. – Seneca

“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease”. – Sivananda

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Friendship

Posted on by Terry Arzt

“Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.”
Joseph Addison

Where would we be without our friends?
The value of friendships and the connection that I feel with my friends is such a source of joy to me. It is a source of support and good times. My relationships with my friends are one of the most meaningful parts of my life.
Friendship is one of the most powerful components of your life for many reasons. Friendship will make you happy.
It will be your support system when times are bad. Friendship will make your life more interesting by expanding your thinking by listening to another’s perspective, by appreciating another’s interest and values. Friends will challenge you and enrich your world in so many ways.
Friendship will warm a cold and bitter time in your life, whether it is the loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, or the end of a romance. Friendship can get you through it all. There is nothing like hearing the perspective of someone who is looking out for you to help start the healing process.
Friends are there to brighten up the good times and make the bad times lighter. The day you find a new love or get promotion at work or decide to take that long awaited vacation – a friend is someone who you want to share it with.
Friends are the people you brainstorm with for solutions for problems.
They will challenge your thinking and they will make you laugh. They will be the person who will call you on your flaws or your life decisions that are not serving you well.
They will complement you and encourage you. They will tell you that you haven’t aged on day and you look wonderful on your birthday.
There are many types of friends and each is appropriate for different reasons in your life.
Best Friends – are the dearest of friends
They are the people that are with you through thick and thin. They are they are the ones that you can call anytime, for any reason. They are there for you when you feel depressed or just need to talk about something. Your conversations with them are easy and when you are with them there is a comfortable feeling of just being home and that all is well. They have your utmost interests in mind and want only the best for you. You may or may not live near each other and you may not see each other all of the time, but when you do it feels like you just pick up your conversation just where you left off the last time.
Soul Mate
The capacity of a relationship with a soul mate is very deep. You get each other spiritually and you get each other’s values and visions and dreams. You may not always agree with each other but there is something very profound about this relationship. You may talk more about your life and your purpose and those issues that are uniquely you. You understand each other. You are right there with each other when you envision the future. This relationship has a very deep level of conversation and sharing of emotions.
Not all friends have the same capacity – some friends are not capable of depth of thought or depth of conversation. You will get different things from different people.
Casual Friend
A casual friend is someone who is in your life for specific purpose. The reason that you even have this relationship is because of some shared experience. She could be your neighbor or your co worker or someone you met through a local organization. These relationships can be great fun because you share a common interest and will you enjoy each others company. You will be there for each other but these relationships are on the periphery of your life. The ground rules of these relationships are very different from the intensive relationship of a best friend or soul mate. They are there to share a common interest and will be there for as long as you have that common interest. These relationships can last a lifetime; they can grow into a deeper relationship or can be very brief.
Fair Weather Friend
You can live without these friends. These are people that are with you for as long as everything in your life is going well. But as soon as something goes wrong whether it be a health issue, a job loss or a divorce – well they are no longer there. It is important to see this relationship for what it is. She was never really your friend to begin with.
Toxic friend
The energy vampire – stay away from these friends. These relationships will drain you. They will constantly disappoint you and let you down. They will cancel plans at the last minute. They can be self absorbed in their own problems.  It is always about them and they will never see you for who you are. You know that someone is toxic for you because you just don’t feel good around them. You feel that the relationship is too much work – and it is.
I believe that friendship is a priority. You love your friends – because you do.
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Cherry Blossom Festival

Posted on by Terry Arzt

 

Cherry Blossoms

The Cherry Blossom Festival is a celebration of the natural beauty of the blossoming cherry trees.  The blossoms are a full peak during the last part of March or early April every year.  There is an annual Cherry Blossom Festival with a parade, food, music and celebrations.  DC is also host the annual Cherry Blossom 10 mile race.

Cherry Blossom season is by far my most favorite time of the year in Washington DC.  My husband and I go downtown every year and as spend as much time as we can enjoying the Cherry Blossoms and walking around the Tidal Basin with the crowds.  This year was no exception. That is exactly what we did, but this year just felt different to me.  I would like to share with you my experiences at the festival.

First of all I would like to give you some background about how 2000 Cherry Blossoms tree happen to be planted in DC.  Here is a link to the National Parks Service website for more information about the festival.

http://www.nps.gov/cherry/index.htm

The trees of course are not indigenous to the US, but were a gift from Japan. 3020 trees were given to the US as a gift from Japan in 1912 as a gesture of friendship and goodwill and many were planted around the Washington’s Tidal Basin. The gift was renewed in 1965 with another 3800 trees. These trees were planted in many places in the US as well as in the nation’s capiol.

The favor was actually returned in 1981 when Japan lost its trees in a flood.  Japanese horticulturalists took clipping from the trees around the Tidal Basin in order to repopulate their Cherry Blossoms.

Washington DC welcomes many visitors to the Cherry Blossom festival each year. As many as 700,000 people locally, nationally and internationally flock to the US for the event. This year DC was crowded as usual.

Visiting DC during this time of year is nothing short of magical. You feel that you are enveloped in a canopy of cherry blossoms. There are pink and white flowers everywhere.  There is an absolute explosion of colors around the Tidal Basin and the Jefferson Memorial.

We take our camera every year and it seems that the pictures we take are always the same.  I could never understand why we persist with this practice – we know that we are taking pretty much the same picture of the blossoms framing the Jefferson Memorial or reflecting off of the water.  I have come to the conclusion that the reason that when we take the picture is because it feels like we are experiencing the enchantment and the delight for the first time.

There were people visiting from all over the world. I heard languages from many different countries and observed that the sea of people looked like an assembly that were on their way to the UN.  There were people from every country you can imagine and many in their native dress. Some were immigrants new to the US and some were visitors. They had different manners, customs and different way of addressing each other.

Some were old – some were young – some had small babies and children in tow.

I observed that we were together here on this day for the beauty of the day and we happen to be together at this moment of time. We all had different ideolologies, different religions, different ways of doing business and different customs.

But at this moment I looked at this scene and I felt a connection to everyone.

I realized that as a people, we have so much more in common than we have differences, regardless of our different backgrounds.

At our essence and in our true nature we are the fundamentally the same.  We want many of the same things.  We need many of the same things.

And then I remembered a great quote from a speech that John F Kennedy gave.

He said:

“For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.”JFK

I believe this is what we share in common:

We want:

  • the freedom to live our lives in the way we want to live our lives
  • our children to be better off than we are
  • to lead a meaningful life
  • freedom of expression
  • to share love and friendship and connection
  • to be understood
  • to be heard
  • to be secure

So this year I am grateful for those 2000 trees that brought us all together. We were brought together by the Cherry Blossom festival.  We all went our own ways at the end of the day, but for a moment in time I felt the deep connection with nature and humanity. It gave me a feeling of hope for the future of the world.

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Forgiveness

Posted on by Terry Arzt

waterfallsI would like to share a story with you and talk about forgiveness in this blog.

I met Shelly for the first time a few years ago at a pot luck dinner.

Shelly told me that her ex-husband was out with their daughter that night and that his second wife was with them. Shelly said that she needed to get out and do something to keep herself busy. She said that her ex left her for another woman and the less that she sees of the 2 of them together the better she feels.

Anyone could see that she was deeply wounded by her ex and was still struggling with the awful pain of being left for another.

I said that even when both parties agree that the marriage was bad and should end; it is still awkward and can be devastating when you see each other again.

She went on to tell me how he had done her wrong and how he had broken up their family. She detailed how he had caused her and their daughter so much pain.

She said that his actions were unforgivable.

I was taken back, not only by her honestly and her tears, but the deep emotions’ that she shared with me (a complete stranger) while telling her story.

I said that time really does heal. When something first happens, your emotions are raw. But after a while you really gain some perspective and you feel better

I asked how long it had been since he left her – she said 13 years

OH NO

Not good

I would like to share a Lily Tomlin quote about forgiveness.

“Forgiveness does not erase the past, nor does it grant absolution. It simply is you acknowledging that you no longer hold judgment over someone. Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

I found this definition on Wikipedia:

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

Wow – that’s it – it is the process of concluding a resentment that we have toward someone who has hurt us or who has offended us in some way.

Forgiveness is not condoning their actions. It is not mentally accepting that what they did was alright. It is not looking at their past and seeing what made them do what they did. It is not rationalizing the why the whole thing happened the way it did.

The person who hurt you does not even have to know that you forgave them. No words need to be exchanged, unless for some reason you need to say them for your own sake. Not unless you need to say them to gain your own closure.

No not that.

You forgive not for their sake, but for your own sake. You forgive to lighten your load. You forgive to remove the darkness. When you carry resentments around, your perspective is miserable. You feel heavier and you can’t see the amazing possibilities of your life because your thoughts are centered on a grievance that you have. You keep replaying it in your mind – what happened – how it happened – how hurt you are – how insensitive they were – you keep playing the same scenario over and over again.

And here is the truth – the person who offended you doesn’t care – and this thought process is killing you.

You are better off concluding that something happened that you resent and that the event is over with. It doesn’t mean that this person has to be part of your life – ever again. It doesn’t excuse what the person has done to you. It is just the release of the resentment, the release of the anger and the release of the judgment that we hold.

And you are releasing it for you.

Always – always take care of yourself.

When I talk about forgiveness, I want to talk about taking care of yourself. I want to talk about respecting your dignity, your own life and most important your own possibilities for the future.

You can create a future for yourself when you are filed with hope and not resentment.

You can create a new life for yourself when you let go of the past.

You can meet someone new when you feel how very special you are and not dwell on how someone in your life didn’t see it and treated you badly.

So forgive – to lighten your load – to create something new for yourself – to feel better – and to move on.

You will be glad that you did.

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Moving On

Posted on by Terry Arzt
Moving On
Moving On

Have you been in a situation that you knew was all wrong for you?

We’ve all been there.

• Have you been in a job that you knew was a dead end or completely inappropriate for you and yet you stayed on and on?

• Have you been in a relationship that was not working out and no longer bringing you any happiness and yet you persisted?

I once attended a lecture given by Rosita Perez. The title of her talk was, “When the horse is dead get off”. She was referring to those situations that we all find ourselves in from time to time. We know that we tried our best at that dead end job or at that unfulfilling relationship and we have reached a point of no return. What was once a great source of happiness is no longer compatible with who we are and what we want for ourselves.

We reached the point where we feel that enough is enough and we need to move on but yet we don’t.

We think that if we could just try a little harder, if we just persist a little longer, if we could just give it a little more time than it will all work out.

And it doesn’t ever work out.

So – The horse is dead – but we don’t get off.  Why we don’t take action and move on? How is our life drastically affected by our refusing to move on?

Let me tell you …. Some of the short and long term effects that not moving on will have on your life.

Why do we persist with a job or a relationship that we know is all wrong for us?

1. It is familiar to you. One of the primary reasons is that it is a known and comfortable part of your life and that you know what you have.

2. You have feelings of fear and lack. I have heard women say that they are not happy with an important and intimate relationship, but it is better than being alone. It is better than the unknown. Who know what else is out there? They don’t want to be alone again. It is better than nothing. Who knows what the next relationship will be like? It may be a lot worse. If you move on you will travel into the unknown. The thought of being alone prevents you from getting out.

3. You hope that things will get better. You are optimistic. You are hopeful that although things are not right that they will improve. You feel that if you just work at it a little longer that things will get better.

4. You have resigned yourself to a life that is less than what you know it can be. You have stopped dreaming. You have been putting up with a set of circumstances for so long that it has become the status quo. It feels normal. Sure there may been all kinds of side effects – you are always tired, always unhappy, always moody, you may be in therapy, or on anti depressants – but it has reached a point that it feels normal to you and you have accepted it.

5. You may feel guilty. A friend of mine felt very guilty about leaving her lover because he was a nice man and certainly cared for her and was trying his best to make her happy. She wasn’t happy with him though for many reasons. She felt that they could coexist forever – but she would always feel the lack in their relationship. She cared for him and wanted the best for him – but this was not a good relationship for her. And she felt guilty. He was doing nothing wrong intentionally.

6. You may have a lack of belief in your abilities to have a something better in the future. I have heard women just give up on ever finding a fulfilling relationship. They feel that they would like to find a fulfilling relationship; they thought that it would never happen.

7. You don’t move on because you think that if you do, you have failed at something. This can’t be further from the truth. All that we can ever do is the best that we can for as long as we can.

The Cost of Not Moving On

1. You are not just losing time and contentment but you are losing a part of yourself. You are settling for a life that is less than what you want and less than you deserve. You are cutting yourself off from those things that will bring you happiness and fulfillment and meaning to your life. You are also cutting yourself off from giving to others. You are cutting yourself off from creating a meaningful life.

2. You are not open to new relationships because you are bogged down with one that is draining you. You are not available to anyone new in fact you are probably not even going to see someone who is perfect for you because this relationship is draining your energy and your inner resources. And you are not open to a new career because it takes all of your energy to deal with the one that you have.

3. If you don’t get out you become part of the problem. Your vibration changes. Your expectation changes. Your behavior changes. And you let the problem persist. You have agreed to the ground rules by your lack of actions and things will flow from there.

Nature is telling you that there is something else for you and you are telling nature – “Oh I know but I think I’ll do this instead”

Think about what will happen to you if you stay. You will get sicker and more tired and depressed.

4. Most important look at what you are doing to yourself. You will always be focusing on the negative. Your energy will be used in coping and working at something that will not work. You focus on what needs to be fixed and not on the wonderful possibilities of what life has to offer and what you have to offer life.

You are always focused on lack and not on creation.

It will zap your energy

If will zap your self esteem

It will slow down your life

It will make your life something less than what you want it to be.

The benefits of moving on are enormous. You have the potential of a more interesting life, new ideas, new people, and new worlds.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us”

~ Joseph Campbell

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